Wonderings in wandering

I came round. But dared not open my eyes. My brain throbbed, I could count my pulse. My fingertips felt cool starchy cloth by my side and across me. My whole face was now throbbing as my blood pressure rose. There were no voices but I could sense someone’s presence. They lifted my left hand and I felt a tugging on my skin. My face winced which hurt as my brow and nose furrowed. My eyes opened with the pain. Bright white light made my pupils sting. I squinted through the lids. The nurse lowered my hand along with the drip line. I was laid on my back. Each breath I took made my ribs crack like a hens egg. I became very conscious that everything hurt. There was the familiar smell of vodka and vomit mixed with anti-septic disinfectant. Why always pine or lemon? I peered out from the smallest gap I could make in my eyelids. I tried to inhale enough air to ask a question. My mouth and throat were powder dry. Memory started to drip into my mind. Just drops at first. Watching TV, some music th...

  Life is labour. All is entropy. From the moment we're born, we decay. We must feed to renew, we must breathe to energise. We strive to prolong a life we never asked for, living inside a machine needing contant maintenance against built-in redundance. What an existence!

Woken at 07:45 hours, this day as every for the past God-knows-how-many mornings. He stopped counting months ago. Familiar shouts and clattering, steel on steel. He’s never been in such constant company. If he can’t see them, he can hear them. If he cant hear them, he can smell them. Two hundred and fifty God-forsaken souls bouncing off the concrete walls. And yet, never has he been so lonely. In the middle of this swirl of doing, coming and going, he plays the game of acquaintance, unpleasant pleasantries exchanged on the landings when custom, advantage and survival says he must. But he dreams of solitary, a box just for him. A place of quiet, or quiet as it gets. Lonely for solitude and spiritual guidance, gently closing the door while all others slam. Lonely for recognition, his currency no use where his is now, he trades in sensitivity, not noise and bravado. Lonely for connection, the true self hidden, protected by ever thickening walls of stoicis...

  Who are ‘They’? You know, the ones who said it would rain today. Are they the same ‘They’ that claim a glass of red wine a day is good for you? Or are they the ‘They’ that decided quinoa, blueberries and chia seeds needed a superlative? ‘They’ said the pandemic would change everything, ‘They’ promised a new normal. But then again, ‘They’ promised to be carbon neutral by 2030. ‘They’ say mental illness is on the rise yet ‘They’ are spending unprecedented resources on it.   [Oh, you mean the ‘They’ who raise wages? Or the ‘They’ who let inflation spiral?] Which ‘They’ is it who are calling for Peace? The ‘They’ that call for ceasefires? Surely not the same ‘They’ that are profiting from arms sales to rich warlords and using hateful speech on ‘Their’ platforms? These are the ‘They’ who hide behind a pronoun when delivering news of death, poverty, corruption and failure. The same ‘They’ who suddenly personify when plaudits, praise and ...

Woken early by my black dog growling at another rabbit hole, pulling at the leash to dig out some sorrow or fear to bring back home and leave at my door. And there it would stay, if I were in charge. But today my Ego stands waiting for His treat and carries it into my mind. And there He starts his dissection. Pulling apart the fresh, raw, sinewy emotions, Ego searches for what disgusts and repels Him, what challenges His very existence. Where He finds it, He creates suffering that wasn’t there before. He relishes this for it is his life force, this is the stuff of anxieties, hatred and misery which He pushes onto me as the proof of why I should be what I should be. He points to where I’ve been wronged and stokes my fires of self pity, anger and indignation. Whipping up within me what He needs to survive, an identity different to ‘those others’, so its me and Him versus the world. But its not. I want no part of His critical joy, the self...

  I’ve seen miracles happen before my eyes, witnessed empty souls become human again. More than human, I’ve seen them struggle and fight against an invisible, yet all-consuming, foe. One who is dark, deceptive, relentless and cruel. I’ve watched them grow with a determination, grace and humility unknown to the masses. They have found new depths of consciousness and understanding worthy of any monk or mystic. Dark eyes once sunken now lifted and bright and skins pallor now blushes with hope. And, yes, I’ve seen them fall and flounder but never fail because once they have seen how it can be, it doesn’t leave them. We may be pulled back under, time and again by our demon of choice, but each time we resurface with precious lessons learned. Recovery is not just change, for change is too small a word. It is not merely putting down the bottle, ditching the pin or putting out smoke. Its not just quitting. It’s starting again. It is renewed vitality,...

  Does anyone know where i can get a new mind? Mines not  what it used to be, knackered neural networks.   I dunno if it picked up a virus, some kind of Trojan thingy. Or if the coding is just outdated, defunced.   It doesn't save when I want it to, the graphics seem blurred and the sound only really  works in one speaker.   The spell check has never worked, and Excel is a mess. Its takes a good hour to boot, usually accompanied with a faint smell of burned rubber.   I don't mind a refurb, As long as the processor is decent and it doesn't whirr, buzz or overheat. Not like it'll have to mine bitcoin!   The kid down the road with the glasses says he could soon build me one from scratch, all he'd need is a few hundred quid and  the "specs" I wanted.  He said it'd be all new Better, faster, stronger than before, wouldn't get overwhelmed by data and less likely to suffer breakdowns... ...but who'd be programming it?   Maybe I'll stick wi...

Sensitive soul I've always been. The gravity of femininity has always had a hold on me, the power of the Yin. Not for myself, but the seemingly inate love to be found in women that I've never felt from men.   And I don't mean to tap such a precious energy for myself, though I do, hopefully not stealing, but accepting whats offered. The strength and compassion that appears absent from Adam.   Whether mother, sister or lover, in the arms of Eve is where I truly feel safe. Waves of oxytocin warmth, like opium kisses dissolving fear, a wordless comfort I crave.  

I put my head on the pillow and drift off….   Shiva sweeps aside the remnants of yesterday: Gains, strivings, losses and ambitions Clearing the table for tonight’s game Flanked by greater and lesser angels and demons. I’m lost in dreams while a silver ball spins against the roulette wheel of my soul. Each number an affection, a state of being randomly selected for the next day. The silver blur slows Jumps, flicks and rattles from one bay to the next: Happy, blue, angry, drained, joy, sorrow, hope… Each have an even chance. The crowd around the table leans in Waiting to see it fall, to claim possession. The fate of the following day rests on this outcome. A day of peace or another of battle? But they wont know, I wont know Until my head lifts and my eyes open And I feel it saturate my body and soul Ready for another day of starting again.

Blue is the train that Coltrane blew. Blue is the Note that made dreams come true. Blue is John Lee Hooker and B.B. King. Blues are what made Billie Holiday sing. Blue is the sapphire in a wedding ring. Blue are the eyes that you lose yourself in. Blue is the sky, blue is the sea. Blue the intensity of lapis lazuli. Blue is the colour of the NHS, Flashing blue lights helping people in distress. Blue are the helmets of peacekeeping troops. And blue are the pills that I purchase from Boots. Blue is the kingfisher, perched by a stream,. And 'Blue is the colour' (for one London team). Blue comes the moon on rare starry nights, And blue is the colour of Supermans tights!

Today, there is a much greater awareness and, to some extent, acceptance of mental health issues. It is as wide a spectrum of syndromes, disorders, disabilities,....as light. And as with light, some are clearly visible, some are only visible under certain conditions, while others are invisible. Just a glance at the Table of Contents of the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) or the ICD (International Classification of Diseases) section on Mental Disorders, gives an insight into the amount of, what I'll call, mental disorders. In combination, there are almost infinite diagnoses, for instance Post Traumatic Stress Disorder leading to High Anxiety related Substance Misuse causing Psychotic episodes. Now, not holding a PhD in Psychiatry or Psychology, my lack of knowledge of terms and causations may be obvious. But having suffered with higher and lower levels of Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Paranoia, along with Alcoholism and Substance Use since my late t...

  Have we missed an opportunity to hold a common cause? There was a time in early March 2020 when society seemed to be thrown into turmoil. Non essential businesses to be shut, only necessary social contact could be made. Toilet rolls and pasta started disappearing from shelves. Queues at petrol pumps. Anxiety and fear as to whether we would have enough. Like the ‘prepper’s had finally been vindicated. Then the day came, shutters went down. As their clang echoed to silence, another sound started. It was the sound of phones being picked up, of distanced door knockings, real voices of concern. Once the panic of being separated subsided, people realized that it wasn’t like 28 Days Later. For the first time in my life, there was a palpable sense of togetherness vibrating through the country. Not the ‘We’re all in this together’ spouted by politicians, but a togetherness that rose organically. Peoples lives had been forced to slow. We had time to think. Our neighbours became more imp...

What are thoughts? They can be pleasant, joyful, scary, destructive, angry... They can be treasured or forgotten, hung on to or masked, numbed. They can be distracting or focusing. I recently discovered the difference between conscious and un/subconscious thought. Now, at 43, I was kinda gobsmacked that I hadn't fully understood it before. I had always believed that a conscious thought was one that you were aware of and that a subconscious thought was invisible to the mind. For example, if I thought "that trees leaves are green", that was a conscious thought. A subconscious thought was me putting one foot in front of the other to walk, or opening my hand to pick something up. Those thoughts that seem to bubble up from nowhere I believed to be conscious thoughts because i was conscious of them, no matter how mundane or bizarre they were. Anything from "why is nicotine addictive?" to "what would actually happen if I shot someone?". From imag...

  I know I’m frustrated. I know I’m angry. I don’t know why. I know what to do To try to quell it, But for one reason I don’t want to let it go. I surround myself with Loud noises and angry voices Ride a wave of my own Feather spitting. And still I don’t know why, I just am. A vigorous scribble scratched Inside my skull, No end to pull at. Just gritted teeth Tense shoulders Clenched fists My feet stomping one After the other. Feeling if I lose this feeling I’ll never get it back. This is my fire, but Its uncontrolled and unfocused I revel in it as I Blister and burn Tightness in my ribs Dare you cross me now?

  I want to start by wishing you all the best at this time of year. But, for now, I want to talk to the addicts amongst you. I don’t need to tell you this can be a really hard time of year. I’m coming up to 3 years sober and I know the temptations that rear their heads about now. I’m no expert but just wanted to share some thoughts. Firstly, harm reduction. This i s a time of huge and gross excess, so much booze consumed and left in chunky puddles on the pavement or down the toilet. A time of maybe buying that extra gram cos its Christmas or having to use a new dealer cos your usual guy is dry. Be aware of the amount you are drinking/using and what it is. If its booze, know the percentage and whether they’re pub doubles or home doubles. If its the substance of your choice, be sure what your taking is safe. Even if you’re gonna wake up with a hangover or a come down, make sure you wake up!Keep in mind why you’re drinking/using. Don’t over analyse at this point, but hav...

  I was out walking today Trying to clear my head After a morning of too much study, Twitter And coffee. On the way to town, listening to jazz I tried to slow down my mind Counting flat, fallen, autumn leaves Making words from number plates Avoiding kids on their bikes. I came out of Boots with My blue sweets for the weekend And stopped for a double espresso. Having just crossed the road, it hit me: Today, this week, this lifetime Is just a blink in the history of humankind. Which is just a blink in time itself. No matter what I do No matter what is done to me The world will carry on regardless…. Such a wonderfully ego crushing insight I felt light, things made sense. I strolled on with a smile on my face As Kamasi blew…..

W.H.O.   Do you need someone? On this World Mental Health Day Does someone need you?  

  Irlen Syndrome I thought I’d try reading again But when my eyes scan across that off-white page The words animate…. Slippery                    little                                                      bastards. As I try focus on one, The next j s l s in front of it                 o t e What I’m about to read distracting Me from what I am reading….. Its not the spelling, I was always top at that! Its pinning down the words Comprehensible in sentence to a Into a comprehensible sentence, While try...

  Mrs Smith A pale face, dark eyes, an uneasy smile, Surrounded by a mass of tangly black curls, She sat in that circle Unengaged, aloof, disruptive, There for everyone else’s sake But her own. Trapped in a world by demons who Would let her see another way But kept her from it because It wouldn’t serve their obsessive needs. Within screaming distance but held behind thick glass, Visible but achingly unreachable. And now she appears, life Shining from her eyes. A purpose in her movement An energy no longer nervous or restrained. An arrogant addiction now replaced By an enthusiastic vulnerability. The tangle of curls now worn up To frame a new maturity. She sits in the circle for her own sake now Proving to everyone else that she is worthy, Meeting life bravely while hearts around her Now swell with inspiration.

  This Developed Nation In this Developed Nation, a 19 year old woman sleeps in a bag in a door way. In this Developed Nation, a working family of four relies on the local food bank. In this Developed Nation, grandmothers live on a pittance and die lonely. In this Developed Nation, my friends use drugs to fill a spiritual chasm. In this Developed Nation, stateless refugees are kept in cages while processed. In this Developed Nation, slave labour is abolished, but persists. In this Developed Nation, the media patronizes and panders to the lowest common denominator. In this Developed Nation, the unscrupulous employers bulldoze workers rights. In this Developed Nation, the population is kept divided and ineffective. In this Developed Nation, ‘I’m not a racist...but...’ In this Developed Nation, black people are stop/searched nine times more than whites. In this Developed Nation, under four percent of rape reports end in conviction. In this Developed Nation, seventeen percent o...