Wonderings in wandering

Woken early by my black dog growling at another rabbit hole, pulling at the leash to dig out some sorrow or fear to bring back home and leave at my door. And there it would stay, if I were in charge. But today my Ego stands waiting for His treat and carries it into my mind. And there He starts his dissection. Pulling apart the fresh, raw, sinewy emotions, Ego searches for what disgusts and repels Him, what challenges His very existence. Where He finds it, He creates suffering that wasn’t there before. He relishes this for it is his life force, this is the stuff of anxieties, hatred and misery which He pushes onto me as the proof of why I should be what I should be. He points to where I’ve been wronged and stokes my fires of self pity, anger and indignation. Whipping up within me what He needs to survive, an identity different to ‘those others’, so its me and Him versus the world. But its not. I want no part of His critical joy, the self...

I put my head on the pillow and drift off….   Shiva sweeps aside the remnants of yesterday: Gains, strivings, losses and ambitions Clearing the table for tonight’s game Flanked by greater and lesser angels and demons. I’m lost in dreams while a silver ball spins against the roulette wheel of my soul. Each number an affection, a state of being randomly selected for the next day. The silver blur slows Jumps, flicks and rattles from one bay to the next: Happy, blue, angry, drained, joy, sorrow, hope… Each have an even chance. The crowd around the table leans in Waiting to see it fall, to claim possession. The fate of the following day rests on this outcome. A day of peace or another of battle? But they wont know, I wont know Until my head lifts and my eyes open And I feel it saturate my body and soul Ready for another day of starting again.

Blue is the train that Coltrane blew. Blue is the Note that made dreams come true. Blue is John Lee Hooker and B.B. King. Blues are what made Billie Holiday sing. Blue is the sapphire in a wedding ring. Blue are the eyes that you lose yourself in. Blue is the sky, blue is the sea. Blue the intensity of lapis lazuli. Blue is the colour of the NHS, Flashing blue lights helping people in distress. Blue are the helmets of peacekeeping troops. And blue are the pills that I purchase from Boots. Blue is the kingfisher, perched by a stream,. And 'Blue is the colour' (for one London team). Blue comes the moon on rare starry nights, And blue is the colour of Supermans tights!

Today, there is a much greater awareness and, to some extent, acceptance of mental health issues. It is as wide a spectrum of syndromes, disorders, disabilities,....as light. And as with light, some are clearly visible, some are only visible under certain conditions, while others are invisible. Just a glance at the Table of Contents of the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) or the ICD (International Classification of Diseases) section on Mental Disorders, gives an insight into the amount of, what I'll call, mental disorders. In combination, there are almost infinite diagnoses, for instance Post Traumatic Stress Disorder leading to High Anxiety related Substance Misuse causing Psychotic episodes. Now, not holding a PhD in Psychiatry or Psychology, my lack of knowledge of terms and causations may be obvious. But having suffered with higher and lower levels of Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Paranoia, along with Alcoholism and Substance Use since my late t...

What are thoughts? They can be pleasant, joyful, scary, destructive, angry... They can be treasured or forgotten, hung on to or masked, numbed. They can be distracting or focusing. I recently discovered the difference between conscious and un/subconscious thought. Now, at 43, I was kinda gobsmacked that I hadn't fully understood it before. I had always believed that a conscious thought was one that you were aware of and that a subconscious thought was invisible to the mind. For example, if I thought "that trees leaves are green", that was a conscious thought. A subconscious thought was me putting one foot in front of the other to walk, or opening my hand to pick something up. Those thoughts that seem to bubble up from nowhere I believed to be conscious thoughts because i was conscious of them, no matter how mundane or bizarre they were. Anything from "why is nicotine addictive?" to "what would actually happen if I shot someone?". From imag...

W.H.O.   Do you need someone? On this World Mental Health Day Does someone need you?  

  Solid Ground Still searching for that solid centre ground. Knowing that the only reliable thing Is Unreliability Just ain’t helping right now. Eroded self trust is my foundation, my bedrock, my stability. And time and time and time again The ever powerful waves of self doubt Undermine and eat away At what is supposed to be my touchstone. No matter how quickly and steadfastly the defences are built, Those cracks of insecurity fill with The constant drip, drip, drip of Muddied, toxic delusion until once again The ironic inevitability of unreliability crumbles, Washing away the solid, centre ground.