Wonderings in wandering

What are thoughts? They can be pleasant, joyful, scary, destructive, angry... They can be treasured or forgotten, hung on to or masked, numbed. They can be distracting or focusing. I recently discovered the difference between conscious and un/subconscious thought. Now, at 43, I was kinda gobsmacked that I hadn't fully understood it before. I had always believed that a conscious thought was one that you were aware of and that a subconscious thought was invisible to the mind. For example, if I thought "that trees leaves are green", that was a conscious thought. A subconscious thought was me putting one foot in front of the other to walk, or opening my hand to pick something up. Those thoughts that seem to bubble up from nowhere I believed to be conscious thoughts because i was conscious of them, no matter how mundane or bizarre they were. Anything from "why is nicotine addictive?" to "what would actually happen if I shot someone?". From imag...

  I know I’m frustrated. I know I’m angry. I don’t know why. I know what to do To try to quell it, But for one reason I don’t want to let it go. I surround myself with Loud noises and angry voices Ride a wave of my own Feather spitting. And still I don’t know why, I just am. A vigorous scribble scratched Inside my skull, No end to pull at. Just gritted teeth Tense shoulders Clenched fists My feet stomping one After the other. Feeling if I lose this feeling I’ll never get it back. This is my fire, but Its uncontrolled and unfocused I revel in it as I Blister and burn Tightness in my ribs Dare you cross me now?

  I want to start by wishing you all the best at this time of year. But, for now, I want to talk to the addicts amongst you. I don’t need to tell you this can be a really hard time of year. I’m coming up to 3 years sober and I know the temptations that rear their heads about now. I’m no expert but just wanted to share some thoughts. Firstly, harm reduction. This i s a time of huge and gross excess, so much booze consumed and left in chunky puddles on the pavement or down the toilet. A time of maybe buying that extra gram cos its Christmas or having to use a new dealer cos your usual guy is dry. Be aware of the amount you are drinking/using and what it is. If its booze, know the percentage and whether they’re pub doubles or home doubles. If its the substance of your choice, be sure what your taking is safe. Even if you’re gonna wake up with a hangover or a come down, make sure you wake up!Keep in mind why you’re drinking/using. Don’t over analyse at this point, but hav...

  I was out walking today Trying to clear my head After a morning of too much study, Twitter And coffee. On the way to town, listening to jazz I tried to slow down my mind Counting flat, fallen, autumn leaves Making words from number plates Avoiding kids on their bikes. I came out of Boots with My blue sweets for the weekend And stopped for a double espresso. Having just crossed the road, it hit me: Today, this week, this lifetime Is just a blink in the history of humankind. Which is just a blink in time itself. No matter what I do No matter what is done to me The world will carry on regardless…. Such a wonderfully ego crushing insight I felt light, things made sense. I strolled on with a smile on my face As Kamasi blew…..

W.H.O.   Do you need someone? On this World Mental Health Day Does someone need you?  

  Irlen Syndrome I thought I’d try reading again But when my eyes scan across that off-white page The words animate…. Slippery                    little                                                      bastards. As I try focus on one, The next j s l s in front of it                 o t e What I’m about to read distracting Me from what I am reading….. Its not the spelling, I was always top at that! Its pinning down the words Comprehensible in sentence to a Into a comprehensible sentence, While try...

  Mrs Smith A pale face, dark eyes, an uneasy smile, Surrounded by a mass of tangly black curls, She sat in that circle Unengaged, aloof, disruptive, There for everyone else’s sake But her own. Trapped in a world by demons who Would let her see another way But kept her from it because It wouldn’t serve their obsessive needs. Within screaming distance but held behind thick glass, Visible but achingly unreachable. And now she appears, life Shining from her eyes. A purpose in her movement An energy no longer nervous or restrained. An arrogant addiction now replaced By an enthusiastic vulnerability. The tangle of curls now worn up To frame a new maturity. She sits in the circle for her own sake now Proving to everyone else that she is worthy, Meeting life bravely while hearts around her Now swell with inspiration.