Wonderings in wandering

Woken early by my black dog growling at another rabbit hole, pulling at the leash to dig out some sorrow or fear to bring back home and leave at my door. And there it would stay, if I were in charge. But today my Ego stands waiting for His treat and carries it into my mind. And there He starts his dissection. Pulling apart the fresh, raw, sinewy emotions, Ego searches for what disgusts and repels Him, what challenges His very existence. Where He finds it, He creates suffering that wasn’t there before. He relishes this for it is his life force, this is the stuff of anxieties, hatred and misery which He pushes onto me as the proof of why I should be what I should be. He points to where I’ve been wronged and stokes my fires of self pity, anger and indignation. Whipping up within me what He needs to survive, an identity different to ‘those others’, so its me and Him versus the world. But its not. I want no part of His critical joy, the self...

  I’ve seen miracles happen before my eyes, witnessed empty souls become human again. More than human, I’ve seen them struggle and fight against an invisible, yet all-consuming, foe. One who is dark, deceptive, relentless and cruel. I’ve watched them grow with a determination, grace and humility unknown to the masses. They have found new depths of consciousness and understanding worthy of any monk or mystic. Dark eyes once sunken now lifted and bright and skins pallor now blushes with hope. And, yes, I’ve seen them fall and flounder but never fail because once they have seen how it can be, it doesn’t leave them. We may be pulled back under, time and again by our demon of choice, but each time we resurface with precious lessons learned. Recovery is not just change, for change is too small a word. It is not merely putting down the bottle, ditching the pin or putting out smoke. Its not just quitting. It’s starting again. It is renewed vitality,...

  Does anyone know where i can get a new mind? Mines not  what it used to be, knackered neural networks.   I dunno if it picked up a virus, some kind of Trojan thingy. Or if the coding is just outdated, defunced.   It doesn't save when I want it to, the graphics seem blurred and the sound only really  works in one speaker.   The spell check has never worked, and Excel is a mess. Its takes a good hour to boot, usually accompanied with a faint smell of burned rubber.   I don't mind a refurb, As long as the processor is decent and it doesn't whirr, buzz or overheat. Not like it'll have to mine bitcoin!   The kid down the road with the glasses says he could soon build me one from scratch, all he'd need is a few hundred quid and  the "specs" I wanted.  He said it'd be all new Better, faster, stronger than before, wouldn't get overwhelmed by data and less likely to suffer breakdowns... ...but who'd be programming it?   Maybe I'll stick wi...

Sensitive soul I've always been. The gravity of femininity has always had a hold on me, the power of the Yin. Not for myself, but the seemingly inate love to be found in women that I've never felt from men.   And I don't mean to tap such a precious energy for myself, though I do, hopefully not stealing, but accepting whats offered. The strength and compassion that appears absent from Adam.   Whether mother, sister or lover, in the arms of Eve is where I truly feel safe. Waves of oxytocin warmth, like opium kisses dissolving fear, a wordless comfort I crave.  

I put my head on the pillow and drift off….   Shiva sweeps aside the remnants of yesterday: Gains, strivings, losses and ambitions Clearing the table for tonight’s game Flanked by greater and lesser angels and demons. I’m lost in dreams while a silver ball spins against the roulette wheel of my soul. Each number an affection, a state of being randomly selected for the next day. The silver blur slows Jumps, flicks and rattles from one bay to the next: Happy, blue, angry, drained, joy, sorrow, hope… Each have an even chance. The crowd around the table leans in Waiting to see it fall, to claim possession. The fate of the following day rests on this outcome. A day of peace or another of battle? But they wont know, I wont know Until my head lifts and my eyes open And I feel it saturate my body and soul Ready for another day of starting again.

Blue is the train that Coltrane blew. Blue is the Note that made dreams come true. Blue is John Lee Hooker and B.B. King. Blues are what made Billie Holiday sing. Blue is the sapphire in a wedding ring. Blue are the eyes that you lose yourself in. Blue is the sky, blue is the sea. Blue the intensity of lapis lazuli. Blue is the colour of the NHS, Flashing blue lights helping people in distress. Blue are the helmets of peacekeeping troops. And blue are the pills that I purchase from Boots. Blue is the kingfisher, perched by a stream,. And 'Blue is the colour' (for one London team). Blue comes the moon on rare starry nights, And blue is the colour of Supermans tights!

Today, there is a much greater awareness and, to some extent, acceptance of mental health issues. It is as wide a spectrum of syndromes, disorders, disabilities,....as light. And as with light, some are clearly visible, some are only visible under certain conditions, while others are invisible. Just a glance at the Table of Contents of the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) or the ICD (International Classification of Diseases) section on Mental Disorders, gives an insight into the amount of, what I'll call, mental disorders. In combination, there are almost infinite diagnoses, for instance Post Traumatic Stress Disorder leading to High Anxiety related Substance Misuse causing Psychotic episodes. Now, not holding a PhD in Psychiatry or Psychology, my lack of knowledge of terms and causations may be obvious. But having suffered with higher and lower levels of Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Paranoia, along with Alcoholism and Substance Use since my late t...